Goodbye

Goodbye.
That is all you're getting.
You are getting no more.
No goodbye gesture.
No goodbye hug.
No goodbye kiss on the cheek.
Hell, you ain't even gonna get a goodbye poem.
Just a simple goodbye.
I may bow and tip my hat to you.
But it will just be a simple goodbye.
After the way you treated me.
The way you lied to me.
You even lied about good stuff, like donating blood.
You're an idiot.
You said you had gone off campus for lunch.
But I remember.
Guzman told me.
You didn't have the heart to.
But he did.
He was there for me.
When you left me.
When John left me.
And yet, I never really wanted romance with him.
But you thought I did.
That's why you looked jealous.
Every time we walked by you and your idiot friends' table.
You always stared at us.
Like you wished you had me back.
Or when I was with Ronnie.
You did the same thing.
And when I was with any guy.
Even Dustin.
And yet you didn't want to see me get hurt with Pudgy.
Why?
Why are you so confusing?
You even called him my boyfriend.
And you knew when he did something wrong.
Like when he never returned fourth quarter.
You told me where he was.
Even though he was trying to hide.
Like you actually cared for me.
Or just wanted to see me hurt him.
But how did you know I would hurt him?
How did you know I would be hurt?
Do you remember?
The night?
That you asked me three times?
Or the next night?
When we got engaged?
I'm sorry for being so stupid.
I was completely unreliable with secrets.
But now I am reliable because I have changed.
I still want to know more about your mom.
She sounds cool.
I'm sorry you lost your mom so early in life.
I'm sorry I never got to meet her.
She sounded nice.
But at least now people won't mess with you.
But if I do, people think it's funny.
And keep bugging me.
How do you get them to believe you?
I mean, they think i'll never do it.
They don't know it.
I've changed.
I'm different now.
I want to be more like you.
Please, will you be my mentor?
Help me get people to believe.
Please?
But I do know that they'll never send me to Big Foot.
Because I'm too "innocent."
And you have potential.
I know you do.
You're smart.
You really are.
You just don't apply yourself.
You need to just apply yourself.
I mean, look at me.
I ran for class president this year.
Can you believe that?
I ran for class president,
And I'm anti-social!
Isn't that an oxymoron right there?
And one guy even asked who I was.
And he was in my class!
Isn't that funny?
I was standing right in front of him.
Of course, I didn't win.
That bitch that didn't deserve to win won.
Even though it was just for popular vote.
I know I would have won if I was a prep.
But I ain't one.
I am me.
I got called a "wannabe lesbian" today.
I am not a wannabe.
Or even a lesbian.
That's just digusting.
And just because my longest relationship is with a girl doesn't mean nothing.
You meant something.
And I also got called a "lesbian pirate hooker."
Whoever wrote that hates me.
I hate people.
There.
I said it.
I said the truth for once.
I hate people.
Heh heh.
You make me laugh.
Even when I am down.
You can make me laugh.
When I am up.
You can make me laugh.
You're so funny.
"Love is like war.
Easy to start.
Hard to end.
Impossible to forget."
That's true.
It's impossible to forget my man.
You.
My man.
No one else's.
"Love begins with a smile.
Grows with a kiss.
And ends with a tear."
I remember when you laughed at me.
When I asked you to be my bodyguard.
I still remember the twinkle in your eyes.
And the smile you put on your face.
All because you thought I had written "boyfriend" instead of "bodyguard."
You helped me a lot.
You helped me gain confidence.
You helped me gain trust.
You also helped me lose trust.
You showed me a good time.
You cared for me.
Even after we broke up.
You still care for me to this day.
I remember I was always shorter than you.
I never wore high heels back then.
But now I do.
At prom I was as tall as you.
Or at least right into your eyes.
Oh, man.
I choked on what I was gonna say.
But don't worry.
I found out what I wanted/needed to find out.
I found out why you left me.
Because I'm "immature and annoying".
Yep.
And I believe it.
Why didn't you just say that to my face?
Instead of changing your story 8 times?
Or 3 times when you didn't show up for my quincenera?
Why do you have to be so stubborn?
Why do I have to be in love with you?
"You never really truly stop loving someone.
You just learn to live without them."
I always think of you when I hear that line.
Because I will never stop loving you.
I'll just learn to live life without you or even trying to get you back.
"Loving you is like breathing.
How can I stop?"
I can stop breathing.
Every time I see and I'm not expecting to see you.
I freeze.
Like that one day before eighth period.
When you and Michael were walking to the office.
You saw me.
I couldn't move.
I froze.
When I looked outside into that hall.
And saw you, I froze.
I was just so surprised and shocked to see you then.
I wasn't expecting you.
That's why I didn't move.
And I remember your look.
Your blue eyes.
They have gotten so pale now.
They were bright when we were going out.
At least I didn't cheat on you.
You knew my past.
And yet.
You still went out with me.
Remember when we were outside of the band hall?
And Sarah yelled out your name?
I didn't tell her to do it.
She did it because I walked out of the band hall and froze.
She asked me who you were.
And I told her who you were.
And that's why she yelled out your name.
What you said at the prom.
"That was the past."
I will never forget that.
You are so special.
How can I ever forget you?
Sometimes I cry because we're not together anymore.
And other times I forget that we aren't together anymore.
I feel like we are together sometimes.
I don't know why.
But I just do.
But most of the time I smile because we were together.
I only needed a little with you.
to make my life worthwhile.
Thanks.
Thanks for saving my life.
Back in June.
I love you.
I really do.
I miss you.
For months afterward.
I felt you.
I tasted your tongue in my mouth.
I heard your voice on the phone.
I felt your hands carassing on my body.
I smelled you when I was with another guy.
I saw you in my dreams.
I still do.
And it was a recent dream too.
I even had one where I killed you.
But I would never kill the one guy I love.
I don't know why.
But I just won't.
I can't lay a hand on you.
Maybe because I have changed.
I can't even slap you anymore.
I regret hitting you.
I really do.
But you did leave me a bruise.
From that day you held me back.
So that I wouldn't get in trouble.
With the band director for beating up Brian.
You know we both wanted to.
But you cared for me too much to let me get into trouble.
Band camp.
Where it all began.
I respect you.
I still do.
I still do respect you.
I respect your orders.
I would have followed them.
I would have never back talked to them then.
And I'm sorry about the messages.
But I wanted to freak you out.
And I'm sorry I always fought with you.
Now I realize that I love you more than you love me.
Or do we love each other equally now?
All I know is that you still care about me.
I know that because of the thing with Pudgy.
You had a sweeter, calmer voice back then.
Now it's so rough.
Even when you're laughing or smiling or happy.
You don't sound happy.
Like you did when we were going out.
A little quote from the Marines.
"At 3,000 dollars an hour,
We're the most expensive hookers in the world."
It is on the back of a shirt that I have.
I have no idea where I got the shirt from.
I know it wasn't from Chris because all he gave me was his I.D. Card.
Or from Patrick because I haven't had it that long.
Matt didn't give it me either.
He only me the skittles boxers, dragons boxers, and blue muscle shirt.
I later burned the skittles boxers.
That was the night I almost died.
I cut a pretty deep cut that night.
It was about half-inch to an inch.
That was when I called you.
Back in November.
That was a long time ago.
And it wasn't you because I gave you back all your stuff.
Or I got rid of it somehow.
Even your hat.
Ms. Zornes has your hat now.
Bradley has your CD player.
I traded him.
I threw out the headphones.
I gave back you shirt.
Now.
May I please have my heart back?
I need to pass it on to another guy.
So it can get ripped out again.
Remember when I asked you who you like at our school?
I meant it by I was gonna set up with them.
Not that I liked you.
I didn't really like that way then.
I just liked you as a friend then.
Even when you were my bodyguard.
I still just wants to be friends.
And then we started going out.
My plan was to go out with you to get over John.
And also so people would leave me alone.
But then something happened.
I fell in love with you.
That changed everything.
Especially our relationship.
Remember our first kiss?
Remember our last?
Remember me?
I remember you.
You made up most of my freshman drama.
If it weren't for you.
None of this would have been possible.
I would still be with John.
I would have probably had a kid by now.
I wish I had said yes that night.
Because I felt bad giving it up to a guy I didn't really love.
I thought I loved him.
But then I found out he was pressuring me.
He didn't really care about me.
He just wanted to fuck.
That's why he slept with Amanda.
The same day he broke up with me.
Thanks for the memories.
Thanks for everything.
You have completed me.
You have complete my life.
I love you.
You may not love me.
And I may not love you.
But I do know I love you.
I'm sorry I never agreed with you when you said I was pretty.
Or when I was fat.
But you are handsome.
You are very cute.
And you are not fat.
You are chubby.
I have to write this for you:
"I am not fat.
I am pretty."
There.
You have my confession.
No, wait.
I'm not pretty.
"I'm beautiful."
Yes I am.
Adam doesn't like my low self-esteem.
But I don't care about him anymore.
I met Michael the same night I called you.
I got Chris at a church camp.
And yet.
I told Michael I couldn't be in a relationship right now.
Not just because of a promise I made to Chris.
But because of you.
Remember what I yelled after you at prom?
"I can't get any other guys because of you!"
I'm still getting over you.
It wasn't until Ronnie told me prom night why you broke up with me.
That's when everything changed.
I've been happier these past few days.
And I feel special.
Because I was once yours.
Now for the most difficult thing to come.
I will have to say the end soon.
Or at least goodbye.
Nah.
Maybe another time.
But now is a time for something easy.
Here is your poem.
This poem is just for you.
It was meant for no one but you.
Here is a kiss from me to you.
The kiss I wanted to give you.
From the day after we broke up.
When you dropped me off.
You were just as hurt as I was.
I could tell in your eyes.
In your face.
In your motions.
Here is a hug from me to you.
The one you never gave me when I turned fifteen.
Or the one from the day I turned sixteen.
I got my license the same day.
And I hate my picture.
Here is a goodbye gesture for you.
A simple one should be sufficient enough for you.
But I don't think so
You're more special than that.
You at least deserve one of those waves you do.
With your two fingers up and your finger slightly down.
I remember.
From after you and Stacy broke up.
When I wouldn't stop saying hello to you.
"Everybody point at Geoff and laugh."
And you pointed at yourself.
And I love you for being so weird.
I applaud you.
Casey stopped talking to me about a little while after we started going out.
I still don't understand why.
And it's been over a year and half.
Now for the most difficult part of this poem.
Goodbye, my man.
I tip my hat to you.
My Willy Wonka Hat.

Zara Ricca Peters